just a couple

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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I Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a
call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could fly a plane......

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one
of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
'Oh, aren't you the lady that I got away with on me stag do?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

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A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called
Winston!'